rihanna suddenly woke up, it was 4.10 a.m. Her husband wasn’t in bed. He should have reached home from the airport by 2 a.m.
Where was he? She stepped out of the bedroom.
Her heart sank as she saw him sitting with his laptop. She instinctively knew what was going on. She came back to the bedroom, her body convulsing with pain and anger. One would think that after 13 years of marriage and having witnessed that sight several times over, she would have toughened up, that it wouldn’t matter anymore. Sadly though, nothing changes.
The wounds are raw as ever, old ones replaced by new ones. The same questions: “Why my husband?” “What’s wrong with me? What do I lack? Is this my fault?
Maya felt much the same. “At first, I was shocked, and then I felt better because it’s not a real human affair,” she says. “I thought I could take it. However, I still feel hurt every time I find out he has used porn.”
Renee found out about this partner’s problem, only months into her marriage. “I remember that day. My heart broke, and I cried … I confronted him. He said he would never do it again. Fast forward 11 years and here I stand realizing that my husband is still addicted to porn. I don’t think I can ever completely trust him again.” She murmured.
In an era in which pornography is entering almost every household through the Internet, its invasion into marriage is inevitable.
“Are we making a mountain out of a molehill when we condemn pornography?”
My interview with a secular counselor dealing with Life Issues of pornography and sexual addiction revealed that women tend to come for counseling (with or without their husbands) only when their husband’s porn addiction becomes obsessive, interfering with his work and life or when he makes unrealistic sexual demands that adversely affects their marriage.
They do not see porn viewing as a form of infidelity unless it leads their husband to visit Internet chat rooms or have a relationship with a ‘real’ woman.
The women don’t talk about the Life Issues of breakdown of trust and intimacy, and the adverse impact the porn has on their own self-image.
So, is a problem being created where there is no problem? Are we making a mountain out of a molehill when we condemn pornography? I doubt it.
research confirms the reality of what wives of porn addicts go through. The Witherspoon Institute has published a report on the work of 54 scholars who found that “women typically feel betrayal, mistrust, loss, devastation, and anger as a result of the discovery of a partner’s pornography use and/or online sexual activity. There are psychic costs, increased likelihood of divorce and family break-up. The wives and girlfriends of pornography consumers have serious health risks resulting from increased likelihood of the porn consumer’s exposure to other partners.
The gravity of porn addiction may not be recognized in the absence of an understanding of marriage as God ordained it. But for a Christian, marriage is not just about a social obligation, a license to have legitimate sex or a means for procreating.
“marriage is not just about a social obligation, a license to have legitimate sex or a means for procreating. “
Marriage is established by God to enable a man and a woman to come together in the deepest possible intimacy, an intimacy that is sacrosanct and is not to be defiled by ANYTHING. Even with something that’s unreal or a fantasy.
God has set benchmarks and absolutes. Faithfulness and fidelity cannot therefore be seen personal Life Issues with personalized definitions.
Some may want to read a book that deals with the issue, I can recommend Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades your Marriage by Meg Wilson.
Some may be able to seek out professional counselors or psychologists who are equipped to help in these matters.
Hope is central to a Christian’s life. But our ultimate hope must not lie in our husbands or our counselors but in Christ. He is the only one we are supposed to trust and hope in completely. Our God heals. Anchor yourself in Him, reach out to whatever trustworthy help is available at hand, and commit yourself to recovery.
If readers need help or information on support groups or certified sex addiction therapists please contact connect@dabiramagazine.com
